Choosing Honor

One of the great things about the holidays is making time to spend with people you care about, people you like, people you want to get to know better. Conversation at these gatherings is always fascinating to me. I am a willing listener. At one such event there were several teachers present and the discussion turned to bullying among children and their opinion that it is on the increase. Some time back I read a fascinating book, Odd Girl Out by Rachel Simmons , which discussed the issue of bullying, particularly among girls, and why it is sometimes the prettiest, most popular girls that are also the worst bullies. The psychology involved is complex but it is basically centered on power, and exercising that power out of fear of losing it.

This is an important discussion in these times of terrorism when it seems the entire world has lost a sense of proportion. The tragedy of 9/11 is that it was an act on such a colossal scale that it destroyed not only thousands of lives, but also our sense of safety and our sense of proportion. Four years later, floundering around to find footing in this confusing “war on terror”, we are still fearful and searching for reason.

I bought this week’s Newsweek magazine specifically to read Senator John McCain’s article on torture and it is worth reading. All politics aside, Sen. McCain is an American hero who himself was tortured while serving in Viet Nam and, therefore, has more to contribute to any such discussion than most of us. The bottomline of what he said was that torture is a physical process with deep psychological impact and far-reaching ramifications. I won’t go into detail, you can read the magazine article, but what struck me most was his statement that the prisoners being tortured took great strength from the belief they were Americans and, as Americans, they were honorable and would not have done this to those they held captive -- that they were different, and more honorable, than those who were torturing them.

This moved me a lot as it is something I often think about. How can anyone – an enemy interrogator or a bratty kid in a schoolyard spat – do egregious and unwarranted harm to another and be a person of honor at the same time? Granted it is a far stretch to compare grade school bullying to wartime torture, but the principles are the same. And I fear, that in this era of fear, hostility, and all loss of proportion, that sort of behavior is becoming more acceptable to the general masses. The old-fashioned concept of being a person of honor, of holding oneself to a higher standard is eroding from daily life and, consequently, from the lives of our children.

Abuse of power seems ubiquitous – CEOs of companies abuse financial accountability, clergy abuse the trust of their flock, the internet has caused a proliferation of every sort of abuse from rampant pornography and racist hate-mongering to chatroom flaming and cyber-stalking. The whole notion of people making the choice to behave with honor and respect for people they don’t know seems almost comic.

There is an old saying that “class” is how you behave when no one is looking. I learned long ago that the security of anonymity can often bring out the basest and most ugly cores of individuals. These days, between constant awareness of abuses of power and growing insecurity and fear that “we”, as individuals or as a nation, are losing power it seems there will be no end to justifying cruel behavior. And yet, through it all, there are those who will make the choice to be honorable, to be better than they need to be because they hold the belief that there is merit in goodness. Honor is a choice we make in every interaction. It is never too late to chose to behave with honor.

Thanks for reading.