Silence = Consent

Years ago I worked in a small advertising agency — 15 people — where we worked in pretty close proximity. There was one guy, a thirty-something sales guy, who took great pride in being a smart-mouth. He liked nothing better than to make a genuinely offensive, obnoxious comments and then just stand there, grinning a stupid grin waiting to see who would object.

The prevailing attitude in the agency was, “He’s an idiot, ignore him” which most of us did. I was the new kid in town so didn’t think it was my place. But this happened pretty often and everyone was made genuinely uncomfortable by it. When he wasn’t around we’d talk about what a nitwit he was but week after week he pulled his stupid stunts. Finally, a new person started — a very tiny, perky and young woman who also happened to be very, very cute. Cute lets you get away with a lot too. After she had heard this guy’s smart remarks a couple times, she began responding with disapproval — “What a nasty thing to say!” or “You should be ashamed of yourself.” At first the guy just laughed but gradually a few other people started agreeing with her and, in a few weeks, her open disapproval did what years of ignoring him hadn’t done — he quit doing it.

I’ve been thinking about this because of all the stuff I’ve been through in the last few years with a small group of internet trolls. In the past their nasty behavior went uncommented on but lately people have been speaking up and saying, “Grow up”. It has been gratifying to see. Things are changing.

When I was growing up “ignore them” was a popular piece of parental wisdom. I don’t think it was a very good one. As time went by the smart-mouths got away with more and more and eventually grew up to be like the guy in the ad agency or the internet trolls — nasty people with nasty mouths who get away with what they do because they can. I have a friend who used to say that a lot of people get away with unacceptable behavior simply because no one tells them that they can’t act that way and more and more I am finding this to be true.

One of the problems with being a nice person is that sometimes our niceness becomes a substitute for responsible behavior. Sometimes we have to say, “hey, that’s not right.” It isn’t always an easy thing to do but it has to be done. We don’t like conflict. We don’t like confrontation. We don’t want to caused trouble. An all of that is understandable but when it happens over and over the people behaving unacceptably think “well, I got away with it that time”. This begins a pattern in which our “niceness” plays a role. Silence equals consent.

When I talk to other participants in the message board where the nastiness was going on I often heard the same thing, “yeah, it’s not right but I sure don’t want them mad at me, just ignore them.” Three years of ignoring hasn’t worked. Nasty people are Nazis who are committed to a path of behavior, convinced they have the right to pursue it and ruthless toward anyone who stands in their way. When no one steps up to say “that is not acceptable” they go farther and farther and farther. As Victor Frankel pointed out, “Evil happens when good people do nothing.”

So what I’m saying is we have to believe more in goodness than in niceness. It is fine to be nice but it is moral and ethical to speak up for the good. This isn’t always easy. I’m facing a challenge about this in another part of my life and I don’t want to be the one to open my mouth but it looks like I may have to be. That’s another thing I’m learning — sometimes it is simply the awareness that something has to be done that puts you in charge of doing it.

Thanks for reading.