Women Talking About Men

One of the things that people who read my fiction often tell me is that they are struck by the fact that the men in my stories are so likeable. They might be flawed and even dysfunctional but, for the most part, they are, at least at heart, nice guys — nice guys who just have issues. I always think who doesn’t have issues?

Recently I’ve had three separate conversations with three separate women friends, all of us over fifty and all of us having been through more than a few romances/relationships/marriages/love affairs, etc. And all of us have very different views of men.

I’ve often said that I was fortunate in the male-appreciation department because I grew up with three really nice brothers. Of course, I hated them when I was a kid but I also always loved them and we had fun together too. Jack and I were born a year apart and were always close. He was a big, quiet, strong, sweet, opinionated, intelligent, funny, generous, extraordinarily decent man. When he died of cancer five years ago my world changed (another story for another day). I learned much from Jack — especially about honor and dignity — and I am always drawn to men who have a Jack-like personality. Wayne, who is three years younger, is also a big, strong, very funny guy. He is unbelievable talented and creative, kind and generous to a fault and a very loving guy. He has flawed judgement, especially when it comes to women, but I have never met anyone with a bigger heart. My mother and I used to say if you could put Jack and Wayne in a bag, shake them up and pour them back out again, you would have two perfect men.

Matt, my youngest brother, is darn-near perfect. He is very intelligent, funny, charming, a wonderful and loving father, and one of the most interesting people you could ever talk to. He can’t help it if he’s a Republican... What I learned from living a life with these three men — as well as a father who was ever-colorful and intelligent — is that there are really nice, good men in this world. And I’ve been lucky to meet other men like them.

So as I was talking with my three friends recently I was struck with how different their perceptions of men are. One is very angry and resentful and, though she talks about meeting men and dating men, her view of them is so negative that it effects everything. One has been disappointed a lot by men, mainly because she is extraordinarily intelligent, and she remains somewhat guarded about them, though certainly willing to try again. One is confused, which is sort of interesting. She seems to like men and has lots of male friends but has, what I consider, unrealistic expectations. This is all very interesting to watch. Maybe this is a cautionary tale — never get too close to a writer if you don’t want to be observed in intimate detail.

So, bearing all this in mind, I’ve been trying to figure out my own situation and I realize that I am happiest when there is a man in my life who is pleasant and fun and interesting but who isn’t interested in being too close. I need a LOT of alone time and have always felt suffocated by men who are too needing of my time and attention.

This is a strange thing to be thinking about at this place in my life but fascinating, too. We live in a world of unrealistic expectations and no more so than in the area of human relations. I’ve long believed that we, all of us, who wish to be genuinely creative, have to take back our minds from the media and from all the external programming that feeds us stereotypical images constantly, and learn to think. Nowhere is this more important than in human relations. The truth is we are all good and we are all flawed and we all can find the best in one another if we pay attention.

I’ll probably change my mind tomorrow.

Thanks for reading.