Gone Hollywood Ga-Ga

I don't know how many authors/publishers who work with small, independent presses have this experience but it seems like lately I have received a surprising number of "Hollywood calling" letters and phone calls. The letters come on very professional looking stationary from companies that say they are Public Relations firms, or author's agents. The phone calls start out with "Hello, let me introduce myself, I'm the guy who's going to get your novel (fill in blank) in front of (fill in director or star) .. blah-blah-blah."

Now fortunately I'm a cranky skeptic about these things and I pretty much tell them all the same thing, "Sure, bring me an offer." I rarely hear from them after that. See I've noticed this little caveat in the letters about me agreeing to compensate them for their costs while representing me to Clint Eastwood or Nicole Kidman or whatever name they think I will be impressed by. Well, I AM impressed and I'll be even more impressed when they bring me conclusive proof that they have ever even been in the same Zip Code with the people they claim to have access to. Maybe I'm being a crank but till their check to ME clears the bank I ain't signin' nothin'.

Every new business endeavor automatically spawns half a dozen associated rackets. I'm not saying that these Hollywood whiz kids are scam artists --- they have their dreams, too --- but they are running a bit of a racket, in my opinion. I wish them luck and when they call me with something that doesn't make my Bullshit Detector start flashing, I'll happily pay attention. Still, it is a lovely dream.

Since The Old Mermaid's Tale has been out a number of readers have emailed to say they think it would make a good movie and they have quite a few opinions on who should play the lead parts. I actually find this very interesting because I can't "cast" the roles. To me my characters are very real and very specific and trying to imagine a particular actor in the parts is difficult. Of course, I'm thinking about things like "oh, he's not tall enough or he's too young" when I know full well that Hollywood does not consider those issues germane to such things. Hollywood magic can change the colors of eyes and the appearance of age and size --- my mind can't.

Actually, the role most readers seem most intent on casting is Baptiste. Well, of course... since most of the readers are women and Baptiste is most women's idea of that delicious bad boy, the sexy beast who would be nothing but trouble but, oh, so worth it! I've actually gone out and rented DVDs to see the actors that have been suggested to me. The number one actor choice so far seems to be Goran Visnjic (above left) a.k.a. Dr. Luka Kovac on E/R, a program I have never seen. I rented his version of Spartacus and I will grant you he is gorgeous. If he wants to be Baptiste he has my permission.

Votes have also gone to two French actors I like, Vincent Cassel (right) and Vincent Perez. Both are tall, ultra-cool, very sexy-looking men who have played roles in movies that I liked a lot. Vincent Cassel was in The Crimson River movies with Jean Reno and it's hard for me to imagine a woman alive not responding to those two on the same screen. Then there is Anthony Delon (left), the super-delicious actor from Masterpiece Theater's production of Frenchman's Creek. Actually, with that one I can definitely see it. The hair, the accent, the body, the smile --- in fact I can pretty much forget the first three for that smile.

It is nice to daydream about such things, I'll admit. And I just love it when I get one of those emails saying, "I read your book and you just have to get it to (fill in name of sexy actor), he'd make a perfect Baptiste!" Maybe the next time I get one of those "we can get your novel to Hollywood" calls, I'll refer the caller to my readers. They know better than I do what would be best for the movie.

Thanks for reading.